an ending (not a beginning)

[khloidanikos]

Last night was the last concert band performance of the year, and my final performance in Kobacker hall. I can't help but feel that this is very much an ending for me. I've given four years of my life to this school, to this music program, to that stage. I know I'll come back for other concerts (starting tonight, and not ending anytime in the near future), but I'll never play there again. I don't think I ever realised how much Kobacker had become a part of me until I was faced with the prospect of only seeing it from one side, for the rest of my life. I've run all over that hall, often barefoot, often outside of concert times. I've sat in the front row of the mezzanine watching our philharmonia and the TSO play Beethoven's fifth, I've lurked backstage while other groups played, waiting for my turn, I've almost passed out in the middle of rehearsal there. I've sat in the side arm of the mezzanine crying at a men's chorus concert. I've been there for endless band concerts, lots of choral concerts, been in the audience for many philharmonia concerts, been there for college convocation, with my cousin for music discovery day this year, with my mum and baby cousin for myself five years ago. I've waited in lines to get professors' signatures for recital attendance, I've ushered there. I've sat with my parents, with my friends, with Jess's parents, with strangers, by myself. It's a huge part of my life here, and I haven't even touched on Bryan recital hall, which is practically my living room, I've had so many classes there. Thursday will be my last rehearsal ever in our band room, and Monday will be my last class in our choral rehearsal hall. Today is my last game. I want to come back for a fifth marching season so badly, but I absolutely have to go.

Transferring is breaking my heart, but staying would have killed me. Either way, it's hard.